The Person that I Have Become

I have spent many years of my life beating myself up, fighting self-esteem issues, and dealing with all of those pesky demons in my head...you know...the demons that tell you, "you're not good enough to do what you want," "you're not pretty enough to catch the eye of that good looking man," or "you're not smart enough to hold down that career that you always dreamt about." All of those toxic thoughts and negative feelings have wore down on me over the years. They have made me feel like I don't fit in to certain social groups, even with my own families (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc)

Honestly, the older I get, the more I don't give a crap! Call it maturity. Call it stubbornness, or both. I don't care! If being forty-five years old has taught me anything, it has taught me...that...I am...ME! My life belongs to ME! I am happy. I refuse to fight that never ending battle of trying to make everyone else happy and sacrificing my own happiness. Yes, I have gotten older, I have been on a roller coaster ride of gaining and losing weight, I'm sassy...All of those nice things that come with aging. Of course I have bad days just like everyone else. I have to remind myself all of the time that I have to keep pushing forward when some days seem to be harder to get through than other days.

I could care less about the big fancy house or the flashy sports car. I'm the kind of person that is very down to earth. My house is an older house that I rent from my oldest brother. I bought my car used. I'm the kind of person that as long as my bills are paid and I can feed my family, I could really care less how much money I have in the bank. (Yes, that is the truth!) When my husband and I have extra money, I'm like any woman and I love to go shopping. Sometimes, I admit to shop a little more than I should. I am the type of person that I don't need $10,000 in my bank account to be happy! Money and materialistic items can not truly make a person happy! Through my life, I have been on both sides of the spectrum. Even throughout my marriage with Tim. We have had our low times, our even lower times, and our comfortable times. You know what? Our personality, our behaviors towards others and each other has not changed. The key to happiness is to love the people that surrounds you with love, don't take anyone for granted, and learn to be content with what you have and make goals to improve the areas you are not 100% with, bit by bit.

If only my forty-five year old self could go back and tell my 20-some year old self all of this! Wow! I could have saved myself so much heart ache over the years. Call it an epiphany, I don't know but, I am no longer bothered by those demons telling me I'm not good enough to go for what I want. I know that deep down, I am good enough. I personally don't care if I am noticed by some man down the street that thinks that I'm ugly or over weight. I wasn't put on this earth to excite you! I have a man that loved me enough to step up and be the man that I needed. He's my husband and he's my best friend. We may not have some wild sex life but, we are the happiest laying in bed, talking or listening to our love song. After you settle down, love isn't how many times your partner can get your jollies off. Love is about being comfortable, being able to communicate, and caring about your partner's feelings more than you care about your own. Even if Tim would leave me today, my life would still go on. I would be heartbroken and sad but, the clock wouldn't stop ticking just over a broken heart. Everything that happens in life has a purpose, whether if its good or bad. Life is full of trial and error! Some people have no problem trying to find out what makes them happy. For people like me, I'm forty-five and I'm just now learning to put the pieces of this effed up puzzle together! Some people go through life and are never really happy. Sure, they put a smile on their face and put a facade on that they have this and they have that, money grows on trees for them but, at the end of the day, they have a different love interest every week or every month, they come home to an empty house, their souls are cold because everyone that tries to care for them, they shut them out. I guess for some, it's easier to push people away than try to analyze what it is about you that could actually make a person love you for you.

Let me put this out there. I'm not by any means a hippie. I don't get into that whole free love shit. I don't drink. I don't do drugs. I don't even smoke. As you can tell from my photo, I am not a skinny mini, I rarely wear make-up. My daily wardrobe usually consists of tee-shirts, shorts, or yoga pants. Today, I'm actually wearing blue jeans and a blue jean jacket because it's 31 degrees in Hickory right now. I don't do well with cold weather. I am down to earth and simple. I am a woman that has learned to love and appreciate who I am and what I have in my life. I have learned to love myself. I love ME!

Until next time! ~Cheri